the care and keeping of elderly peas
by queendementor
Summary: just another day in the life of credence barebone as he drowns in his mother's peas.


**the care and keeping of elderly peas**

_a/n: this fic is rated p for graphic depictions of peas. you should not read this if you can't handle such content. please be safe :)_

There were several ways Credence could expect to begin his morning. Most of the time, he would simply go downstairs to eat his breakfast of pea soup, trying his hardest to avoid stepping on his mother's leaves as he did so. On other occasions, Mary Lou might decide that one of her leaves had found its way into his bed and force him out so she could look for it.

Then, of course, there were mornings like this one.

After a breakfast of pea soup and a small slice of dampish pea bread, Chastity and Modesty were sent out with piles of leaflets. But when Credence reached for his own pile, he found a pile of old cloth shoved into his hands instead.

Credence groaned internally. He couldn't pretend to like the leaflets, but at least that was better than the times his mother made him change the diapers of her elderly peas.

Most of Mary Lou's peas were simply haphazardly thrown on the floor when they came of age and left there until they molded. For the moldy and elderly peas, however, a small closet had been set aside. The sides of the room were lined with the little rocking chairs that Mary Lou tended to make for the old peas. Against the wall was the dollhouse that had been Modesty's until her mother decided the oldest peas would put it to better use.

This was where the oldest and moldiest peas were kept, and where Credence began, removing their diapers and cleaning them up before tying some of the new cloth into something resembling a diaper. He didn't quite understand why Mary Lou felt the need to put diapers on them when peas did not produce waste, but as she had put his tie in the leaf machine the last time he asked, he now knew that questioning this was a bad idea.

Once all the peas were cleaned up, it was time to administer their medication. Every morning and evening, the elderly peas were supposed to receive something to alleviate whatever Mary Lou had decided was wrong with them. Some peas needed relief from their aches, and others had migraines.

Credence knew about this. His mother had specifically labeled what each pea was supposed to be given. And after years of learning their names, he was now reasonably certain he knew which pea was which. But he didn't know how to give it to them. Peas lacked a mouth or anything else into which he might insert their medication.

It seemed he would have to resort to asking Mary Lou for help.

-x-

However, it seemed that that was not the best idea. When Credence managed to find his mother, he discovered that she was busy adjusting the blankets of all her baby peas. Beside her, Ivan, her leaf machine-turned-husband, held a few more little peas. Unfortunately, this meant that Credence was not to disturb her, as she said it made the baby peas cry and they could be difficult to calm down.

Therefore, he would have to figure out how to help the old peas on his own.

It occurred to Credence to cut small holes in the peas that might resemble a mouth, but he knew that Mary Lou would never allow him to harm any of her peas even if it would help them. How, then, did she manage to give them their medication?

The answer came soon afterward, when Credence opened the cabinet where the medication was kept and found a bottle of pea moonshine on the bottom shelf.

That explained everything. Even Mary Lou hadn't figured out a way to medicate the peas. She simply took it on their behalf, as well as a generous portion of pea moonshine. And when Credence thought about it, that did explain why she had a habit of tugging at his clothing when she finished with her elderly peas.

Perhaps the peas didn't need their medication this morning. They were just as old and moldy as usual, so would they even care?

-x-

With the peas changed for the morning, Credence left to distribute his own leaflets, which were full of peas and had to be taken back and dumped out before Mary Lou accused him of throwing away her precious peas. Handing out leaflets that smelled like peas was not a pleasant task, but at least leaflets did not require you to change their diapers.

By the time he returned, it was time to eat a pea sandwich on dampish bread, then plunge the peas out of the toilet. Unfortunately for Credence, that took all afternoon, as the toilet was so full of peas that they spilled out when the lid was opened. By the time he finished, Credence's shoes were covered in toilet peas.

When he finished, he was beginning to nausea from the pungent mixture of toilet water and peas, and he wanted nothing to do with peas for the remainder of the day. But it was not to be. This was Friday night, and Friday nights were when the elderly peas played pea bingo. While peas did not usually require supervision, Mary Lou insisted they liked to cheat, meaning Credence was forced to oversee game night.

So he spent his evening calling out numbers and helping the peas mark them off, then congratulating them when they won. A pea named Abraham won the first game, followed by Rebecca. A half-squished pea named Amity won the third, but when she came in to give the peas their evening medication, Mary Lou decided that Amity had cheated and Credence had to keep going until someone won honestly.

(He also found out that his theory about the medication was accurate. The nearly-full bottle of pea moonshine on the shelf was almost empty when Mary Lou finished with it and told Credence to change the peas again before he left.)

It was unclear exactly how a pea could cheat at bingo, but Credence just told Amity to do better next time and returned to the numbers until another pea won.

The peas' bingo night lasted for several hours, until Credence's back was sore and the peas were beginning to lose interest. This was when he returned their peas to their retirement home, changed the ones that required it, and left them for the night.

-x-

With the smell of peas still in his nose, Credence went to bed, where he knew he would either dream about peas or the roofs of houses. Still, he knew that even if no peas awaited him tonight, there would inevitably be more in the morning.

-end-

_yep, just a little slice of wtf._


End file.
